One of my favourite moments in any wedding — the one that always brings a hush over the room — is the exchange of vows. For all the beautiful elements that make up a ceremony, vows are the moment when everything else falls away. It’s just the two of you, speaking your truth aloud, promising your future into being. But what are vows, really? Why do they matter so much? And how do you write vows that feel like you? Let’s explore.
The Meaning and History of Vows
Long before weddings looked like they do today, vows served a single purpose: a public declaration of commitment. In ancient cultures, marriage promises were spoken aloud to bind families and communities together. Over time, vows grew into the heartfelt expressions we recognise now — moments of emotion, humanity, and deep intention.
In a humanist ceremony, vows aren’t sacred because of religion — they’re sacred because you choose them. Because they are spoken with honesty and witnessed by the people who love you. Because words have weight when they are promised with care.
Why Legal Vows Must Be Said
Every legal wedding in Ireland requires a specific spoken declaration. No matter how personal or creative your ceremony is, the law needs to hear:
“I, Name, take you, Name, to
be my husband/wife/spouse,
to share a relationship of love, tenderness, and laughter,
to respect and stand by you as an equal partner,
but above all else, to love and cherish you.”
These words do three crucial things:
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- They confirm your full and free consent
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- They legally bind your marriage
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- They must be spoken aloud and heard by your celebrant and your two witnesses
Your witnesses don’t just sign your paperwork — they’re legally confirming that they heard you make this promise. It’s a beautiful blend of personal meaning and civic ritual. For more information on the legalities of your wedding, click HERE.
Personal Vows — Why Include Them?
If the legal vows are the framework, your personal vows are the heart.
Personal vows allow you to:
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- Speak directly to your partner in your own voice
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- Capture the essence of your relationship
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- Make promises rooted in your shared story
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- Add warmth, humour, depth, or tenderness
Couples often tell me that writing their vows becomes a moment of reflection — sometimes even the first time they’ve paused to truly articulate what this step means to them.
What Tone Should Your Vows Set?
There is no “right” tone. Your vows should sound like you — not like a poem you found online or what you think wedding vows “should” be.
You can choose a tone that is:
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- Romantic and poetic
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- Light-hearted and warm
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- Simple and sincere
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- Playful, funny, or gently teasing
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- A blend of all of the above
If you’re not sure, ask yourself:
How do I want my partner to feel in this moment?
What Kind of Language Works Best?
Natural, conversational language is best. Speak the way you speak to each other every day — just distilled into something intentional.
Avoid overly grand phrases unless they genuinely fit your personality. Instead, use words that reflect your real love: the way you live, laugh, support, overcome, and grow together.
How Long Should Vows Be?
A great tip: Agree a rough word count with your partner. You’d be amazed what 20 seconds vs. 2 minutes can feel like!
Most couples land between 100–200 words — long enough to have meaning, short enough to hold attention.
Practice Them Out Loud
Even if you’re a confident speaker, read your vows aloud a few times.
You’ll hear:
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- Where you naturally pause
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- What feels emotional
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- What feels awkward
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- Where you might simplify a sentence
And yes — it helps you avoid getting wobbly on the day… though wobbliness is very welcome too.
Should You Keep Them Secret?
It’s up to you! Some couples share their vows beforehand to keep tone and length aligned.
Others keep them secret for that emotional, heart-soaring moment at the ceremony.
Choose whatever feels comfortable and true to your personalities.
What Do You Want to Promise?
Think beyond clichés. Consider:
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- What do you cherish most?
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- What do you rely on each other for?
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- What do you hope to build?
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- How do you support one another through change?
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- What are the small, everyday gestures that matter?
Your promises don’t need to be perfect. They need to be real.
How Will Your Vows Fit Into Your Ceremony?
Before writing your vows, I always encourage couples to read the working draft of their ceremony that I send.
It shows:
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- Where the vows fall
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- The tone leading into them
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- Whether you speak one at a time or together
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- How your words will weave into the rhythm of your ceremony
Seeing the bigger picture helps your vows feel beautifully placed, not dropped in.
Meaningful Rituals to Hold Your Vows
You can add symbolic elements that give your vows even more resonance:
• Oathing Stone
Hold the stone as you speak, setting your promises “in stone.”
• Handfasting
Speak your vows while your hands are bound — literally “tying the knot,” rooted in ancient Celtic tradition.
These gestures mark your promises in a tactile, memorable way.
For more information on wedding rituals, click HERE.
Anything Else to Remember?
A few final tips:
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- Bring a printed copy of your vows (I’ll have a backup!)
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- Write them early — editing is easier than starting
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- Use separate paragraphs so you can breathe
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- Don’t try to impress your guests
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- Speak to your partner — everyone else is simply privileged to listen
In the End…
Your vows are a gift.
A gift to each other, to your future selves, and to everyone who loves you.
They don’t need to be perfect — they only need to be true.
And when you stand there on the day, speaking them out loud, everything else — the planning, the nerves, the logistics — will fall away. It will just be the two of you, promising your way into the life you’re building together.
If you’d like, I can help you shape your vows or offer examples tailored to your ceremony draft — just send it on whenever you’re ready. You can contact me HERE.